How to Set Limits with 20-Month Twin Toddlers

As a twin mom, I often describe my life as follows. One moment things are going smoothly and are simply lovely. Then, very quickly the moments are extremely hard and sometimes debilitating. I think to myself, how do I proceed to get up off of the floor while these two emotional toddlers are flailing their bodies around experiencing emotions they don’t know what to do with? Those are the hard moments. But they do end eventually. A wise mother once told me, “Every rainstorm runs out of rain eventually. It won’t go on forever.” In this blog post as my monthly update, I want to share a few phrases and actions I have had to use very frequently this month to help set limits with my twin toddlers in our Montessori home environment.

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Graphic with twin and text that says "Setting boundaries with twin toddlers in a Montessori home"

How is setting limits different in a Montessori environment?

I am a huge advocate for having firm boundaries and limits with those in our lives, especially toddlers! They need our boundaries to build up their understanding of how the world works. They are little scientists, figuring out their effect on the world. What things will cause a big crash, what things will get Mom’s reaction? Unconsciously, they are learning all of these things through exploration.

It is our role as “the prepared adult” to set and follow through on clear boundaries and limits within our environment. Consistency in this area can be very challenging, yet is so important. This is something I am working on every day, it can be a challenge when we are tired and don’t want to get up again to keep a limit firm.

What I love about setting limits is that it is simply a property line. It is what you, the adult, will allow to happen. Creating a clear boundary actaully has nothing to do with your child and how they choose to respond, but everything to do with you and what you deem is okay and not okay. Now let’s get into some of the common phrases I find myself saying that will offer some helpful examples of “limit-setting language” that we use in our home.

Phrases You Can Use To Set Limits

Let’s roll out a few examples here so you can see how these phrases play out in real time.

“I can’t let you do that. I am going to put you on the floor”

One challenge we have had is one of our twins climbing out of his high chair onto the table (gasp!) I know, I know, even my children, in our Montessori home do things that I am not okay with, hence the need for boundaries. When safety is concerned, I need to stop the potential risk immediately. These are not moments when we can wait for our child to do what we have asked. I need to restore the safety of my child immediately. In these cases, I state clearly that I can’t allow them to, in this example, be on top of the table. Then I say what I am going to do. Then I do it!

This may sound like, “I can’t let you climb on the table. I am going to put you on the floor.” Now this next part is key, so if you are taking notes, write this down. Boundaries have everything to do with YOU and almost nothing to do with your child. Your child is just the recipient of the limit you set. This often comes with an array of emotions, but that is to be expected and totally normal. Even still, boundaries are necessary for all human relationships to be successful.

“You Can…”

Sometimes, we want to tell our children all the things they can’t do. Yet, it is better if we can change our language and tell them what they can do. For example, my boys will climb up onto our kitchen chairs. This action is fine. Yet, based on many experiences, I know that this is just one step away from being on top of the table, which is not okay in our home. If I see them on their chair, I will say something like, “You can be on the chair! I like how you are sitting on the chair.” Rather than, “Don’t climb on the table.” By saying what we don’t want them to do, we have just stated the wrong action, giving them an idea of something not to do. Oops! Instead, let them know the actions you want to see them do.

If they don’t need any more intervention I will leave it at that. If they do try to climb on the table I will say again what they can do. Then, if telling them what they can do doesn’t redirect them, then I will step in and physically help them by gently moving them down from the table. I may even re-state what they can do, while I help their body to do that action. It may sound like, “Your body can sit on the chair or stand on the floor.”

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“I can’t allow you to hurt him.”

This phrase is used more times than I want to count in a day. I wish I could say my boys are perfectly gentle and respectful brothers, but that just isn’t true. Becuase they are so perfectly matched in size and ability, I have to step in to create a safe environment for both of them. I will say a simple phrase, “I can’t allow you to hurt him.” Then I will remove one of the boys away from the other. Usually, this happens because one twin wants an object the other twin has. When emotions are calmer, I may go back and work through that issue. Other times, I will just redirect them to something else.

Offer Information rather than commands

In the book The Montessori Toddler, I remember reading Simone discussing how we often tell our toddlers things to do. “Put your shoes here. Sit down. Put your books away.” They offered a simple alternative that has the same effect but actaully gives the child more choice and autonomy. Instead, give the child the information they need to be able to do what they ought. I came up with a few examples in which we can make these slight changes in our language to offer a toddler more independence in their day. Asking questions is another good way to get a child to think forward to the next step they need to do without you telling them what to do.

Command	An Information Alternative
Put your shoes away.	Your shoes go into the basket.
Sit down and put your shoes on.	When you are sitting, I will help you put your shoes on.
Throw your banana peel away.	Your banana peels go in the garbage.

Continue the Hard Work

As parents, we have to be so strong to assess each situation, make judgments about what is and isn’t okay, and then be firm but kind to set those boundaries in our home. Those boundaries are usually met with emotional upset, which we can do our best to manage by preparing our environment in a way that gives as many opportunities for “yes” as possible. However, when there is a dynamic between multiple children, it seems that boundaries need to be set and followed through on more consistently.

I joke with my husband that 90% of my problems in the day are simply because we have twins! There is a dynamic that just isn’t present with one child. And since there aren’t many Montessori resources out there about raising twins in a Montessori home I feel very much like a guinea pig. I hope that if you find yourself in a season of life with twin toddlers, this has been practical and helpful to you.